Rules for Dating a Marine’s Daughter

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Remove your hat when entering my humble abode. I may think you have something terrible under it and will do my best to exterminate it quickly, efficiently, and fatally.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rules for dating a Marine's Daughter
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car.

There is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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2014/06/03 16:24

I smile as i read this cause, when i was 25yrs old I lost My Daddy, Steven Robert Roller, Cpl, USMC to heart & kidney failure at the young age of 51 yrs old. He always told me that no matter how old i got, there wasnt 1 man alive that was good enough for his baby girl 🙂 i miss u daddy, SEMPER FI

2014/02/10 17:54

Rules for Dating my Daughter, this Post has NO EXPIRATION DATE!!

2014/02/03 18:24


2014/01/18 01:04

:-/ yoinks. I’m sticking to dating Army or Navy daughters. My life is precious to me…

2012/11/07 00:45

I was married to a Marine for 20 years. We have a daughter… I’m showing this to her as she will get a big bang out of it. So very true! I love the part about the nail gun and the pants… Or lack thereof. Love you damn jarheads!!

2012/06/15 13:35

A Marine dating a Marines daughter is great! The father knows all the tricks, but, he gets cut a huss.

"Doc" Paquette
2012/01/26 20:41

It’s nice to see some things Just don’t change. Marines will always be Marines. Thanks for this. You can bet the first guy that comes tom pick up my daughter is going to need to memorize these rules and recite them back to me.
Semper Fi.

2012/01/14 19:43

i dated a marines daughter and i didnt have to read this – it just became evidently clear

2012/01/12 11:46

Good morning Mr. Simpathy

2012/01/11 13:45

The Marine posting these rules is a very lenient and patient man. The rules for my daughter are not so user friendly.

Sarah mcavoy
2012/01/06 16:03

This is amazingly perfect in everyway!

Charmain Jones
2011/12/23 15:02

My husband and I both are Marines, he’s the more lenient and calm one, we have 3 daughters and one son, these rules will apply all of our kids…LOVED IT!!! Thanks for posting OORAH!

2011/12/21 21:14

Yup. So very, very true. My dad may have been a bit more lenient than this, but no one will ever hurt his little girl. You’re well protected when you’re a Marine’s daughter. 🙂

2011/12/20 01:11

So true and funny as hell. My husband wasnt a Marine, Iam prior Army, I also served with pride, and I have two little girls who will be teenagers someday. I like that country song, where he is cleaning his gun all night. Very effective! Thanks for posting.